(Very little time on the internet & a lousy connnection, so I'm consolidating...)

 

 

I’ve been trying to write something for many days now, something to follow up on the craziness of the past month or so, but it’s been hard to find a way to describe it. A simple “gosh, thanks for your help, you rock and everything’s okay now” won’t nearly suffice – not only do you deserve so much more than that, but I have so much more to say. I just need to figure out a way to say it, damn it. This is about the eighth time I’ve begun – let’s see if I can get a few paragraphs in without deleting it all, again. I have hopes for this one…

I don’t need to repeat what happened – you probably know if you’re reading this, and if not just look at the previous post.

Needless to say, I was terrified. I had been in screwed situations before, but nothing with this magnitude, where if I wasn’t able to change the situation and change it soon, everything would fall apart in a way that I didn’t want to think about - but I did, over and over again. I also remembered the times in the past where I’d gotten out of some screwed situations, and remembered that the most valuable thing was never admitting defeat. Never giving up or losing hope. Knowing that everything happens for a reason, and not just believing, but knowing that everything would work out. Being grateful as hell for what I have been through, the mistakes I have made, and the lessons learned. Remembering the strength inside of me, and using that to hold my head up, keep on fighting like hell, and keep believing that this can be fixed as well. Hell – it’s just the Universe checking in, waking my ass up, and putting the fire back in my eyes.

 

There was no giving up. I had to fix it.  

In going over my options, I found that I only had two realistic ones. The first was focus all of the time and energy I spend creating Big Top into seriously looking for advertisers, which is the sole income of the magazine, and therefore my one and only income, with the exception of the odd side job. (It takes tons of time and energy so I don’t focus on it as much as I should, but I’m thinking that should probably change. Besides, I’m sick of being broke, and that’s a large part of why I got into this mess in the first place – I couldn’t pay the friggin’ parking tickets!)

The second option was to ask for help. Serious, not screwing around, big time help. This was, without question, the most difficult thing to do. A hundred “what if’s” swam around in my head, my heart. What if my plea goes ignored? What if they don’t really care enough about Big Top What if they don’t care enough about me? What if everyone is broke? What if no one gets this in time? What if this – or that?

 

But you answered. You came through in a way that I couldn’t even begin to hope for. The support that came in - of all kinds - was overwhelming, and went far beyond financial. I found myself more than a few times each week needing to choke back tears of overpowering love and awe as words of encouragement and beauty came in, from people I know and people I don’t who simply enjoy the magazine; people who perhaps have been through tough times before and know what it’s like, and people who are going through tough times but wanted to help “just a little” – but absolutely nothing was “little”. Every single email, every single financial gift – no matter how “little”, gave me extra strength to fight as hard as I could, gave me the will, reminded me of the magick we all have inside of us, and that I could turn it around and come out of it on top.

 

As I mentioned before, I also went huntin’ for advertisers, and the ones that I found I am truly honored to have in Big Top, as I feel that the people who advertise are as much as a reflection of the magazine as the rest of the content. I am quite proud to have them, and suggest that you dig what they create – each one creates things that I would be more than happy to wear myself.

 

Thank you. I can’t express how incredibly amazing things are right now, but I know without question that without you they wouldn’t be. In the end I purchased a different motorhome for about a quarter of the cost it would have taken to get my other one out, and have already begun to make it mine – Beans ashes have a place on the table (or on the dash while I’m driving), the picture of my grandmother is hung, I have begun to paint the walls, and other various things. It also drives a hell of a lot better than my old one…

 

I think I need to end this. It doesn’t come close to what I want to say, but I’m hoping that at least getting this piece out there will help with the clutter in my head, and the way my heart has, because of you, grown so much that there isn’t room for writing it all down well. I think I need to whittle away at it until I can again make sense.

 

Life is more amazing than we give it credit for – and there is so much more I want to say, but for now, “Thanks for your help. You rock” will need to suffice… and be sure to check out my new advertisers! (By the way, I am, of course, still looking for more. Any suggestions?)

 

Immense Love, dreams, and – if you ever need help, please don’t hesitate to ask me. If I can’t, then  I might know someone who can…

 

~ kSea

 

 

 

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Somehow, I find myself at Burning Man. I got a call from a friend, Doug (who happens to be a kickass set designer, carpenter, etc. – I’ll include his contact info when I get it as it’s the least I can do for him) who tells me that my ticket, fuel out there, and food is paid for – just for minimal use of my motor home.

This is the third day here, the Saturday before the event officially begins.

Those who have known me for a while will say that I live a somewhat charmed life, and I can’t help but agree – but there is much more to it than that. Much more.

I played the game for a long friggin’ time – alarm clocks and suits, following the path that others thought was appropriate to be a “constructive member of society”.

That was a long friggin’ time of being unhappy, knowing that there was something else I should be doing but not knowing what, the dreams I had as a child washed away as I looked for approval from the people who I thought, in making them happy, I would be as well.

Nope. Doesn’t happen that way. There are those of us who are here to make absolutely certain that the world retains the value of magick, wonder, and beauty – those of us who the rest of the world might always try to change because they are blind to it – but it is something inside of us that we can’t escape, and it is something that goes far beyond dreams; it is who we are.

Perhaps Big Top is paying homage to those people. Perhaps Big Top is the thing that I need to do.

Somehow, I find myself at Burning Man, and life is really fucking good.

 I’ll be doing my best to get heaps more interviews for Big Top while I am here, and I do believe that this coming Thursday evening I will have air time on BMIR which you can find at shoutingfire.org and listen to the live stream.

I have my digital recorder and my camera, and very intermittent internet access – but I’ll try to keep up with things on Big Top.

I still need to figure out how I’m going to get the gas money to get back to San Francisco – but honestly, I’m not that worried about it. It will come.

Now, if you will, please go visit the Marketplace, as those people were incredibly instrumental in saving my ass and supporting Big Top when I found myself without a home – and on top of that, they make some incredibly cool stuff!

Okay. I think I’ll work on the new motor home now, as things weren’t exactly smooth on the trip up here – but hell, I MADE IT!

Tons of love to you all,

~ kSea

 

 

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